Cutting up October 18, 2023

 


Some memories reemerge when we something similar later that resembles them.

and from the new experience we get the same emotions we had as a result of the first experience

and this happened to me while looking at one of her cut up videos, which she posted today or maybe yesterday, harkening back a decade to when she invited me up to her apartments for a meal where she promptly began to cut up vegetables – a moment I wrote about in a poem at the time, and which her video today brought back in full vivid color, scaring me because I had assumed I was beyond any emotional reaction after so long a period.

Even though the cutting up the melon yesterday seems far less ruthless than when she sliced up the vegetables both bore the terrifying concept of being gutted or more precisely back then a kind of castration in my mind at least the total control she wielded with her sharp knife, literally and also metaphorically though I'm not sure she meant it then and certainly did not have me in mind this time only the comparison is in my mind brought out the ruthlessness I thought I detected back then. She seemed angry that Sunday morning long ago an echo perhaps of frustration about me about some expectation of me I had failed to live up to and so brutally she took it out on those vegetables

the video has none of that in fact it has a pleasant feel of a cooking show as she spoons out the guts and slices up the meat yet watching it, I feel it all as if I was the vegetable then melon and was hopeless in either case to hold the process

I do not know why I failed to feel this connection watching her other cut up posts, yet it is a feelings that linger in me, a painful (possibly justifiably so) memory of one of the most emotional times of my life, a time when she seemed to rule my world, wielding her knife while daring me to object.


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